During Mama’s funeral I begged God for mercy. I fully understood all the reasons she had to go. But it was so painful thinking of a world without her. A world she had softened for me (all that she could), a world made better when I thought of her, went home to her, embraced her.
From day one all I can remember is my grandmama loving me, teaching me and showing me everything for this life. She even introduced me to the man himself so I’d have everything for eternal life. I would never wish her to suffer here and I do believe to be absent of the body is to be with Christ. But I hurt because she was gone and because I was still here.
I cried because I had grown up in her home, under her watchful eye and in her love. I had a rich and wonderful childhood even though we didn’t have much material stuff. And it’s not to say we had nothing or that I ever went hungry. No. She worked and God provided. I wept when I realized that I was blessed many times over by having my grandma who acted as a mother and a father, because she was truly that. I didn’t cry because I disappointed Mama in my rebellious years or when I was simply disobedient. I cried because she knew all about me and could have guessed even worse that I’d done. Yet knowing me she still hoped out loud, the best things for my life. Mama prayed for me and continued to love me regardless of my faults.
No one has ever affected me like that woman. Never, never a hurtful or discouraging word from her. Later she even admitted her own mistakes and regrets to me as if I were an equal and guided me to the point where I am today. After grieving I realized that if my grandma being human could love me like that, so wholly and completely, then how much more does God love me? I think that was her point all along. Now I get it. So no more tears. Just joy.
I talked to your children today. And I did just what you told me to do. I never realized just how hard you had it, especially as a young, single mother. But now I know your trials. I’m sorry for any time that we didn’t listen or obey. (I bet you’re smiling). You see your son called me this morning because he was thinking about you today. And so was I. Your birthday was always a sweet day for me, especially as a child. I adored you and was intrigued by everything you did and everything you loved. I just wanted to know how you came to be my mother. But anyhow, I was doing okay today and I didn’t want to call Meek and cause her to be upset, if she wasn’t. So I worked instead. Your little one said he would try to stay out of trouble today and I told him you’d like that very much. I know you would because I’ve been in your shoes for a long time now. I really miss seeing you and talking to you. Can’t believe you’re not here with us. Have I been doing a good job with your children? I try to make sure I tend to them as best I can. I know you said this was my job. One day I knew you would say it and that it would be my duty not to let you down. And even though it’s not in the capacity that I thought it’d be, I mean you aren’t physically here to check on me. I am mothering them in my heart because you would have wanted me to.
I don’t have all the spunk you possessed as a mother…as a woman. (Probably no one in the world will ever have that much spunk!) Still there are times when I chastise my little ones and I hear your voice come out of my mouth. Plain as day. Amazing! I understand some of what you felt then.
Overall, right now… I’m not sad. You suffered so much pain, that had nothing to do with breast cancer. A part of me wanted revenge on each and everyone that ever wronged you. But in the end, you would not have allowed me to do that. And I know it ain’t right. So I let it go, but still I laugh out loud at the ones you paid back before leaving. That’s probably wrong too, I know. So, I guess I just wanted to say… that I think of you often and I love when you come visit me during my dreams. I know it’s really real, but that can be our secret. God is so good. I like when you stop by with just a passing word too. BTW, what do you think of Lauren? She’s just too much like you! Anyway, I’m serious about this art of writing. Thank you so much for all the meaningful works you penned which gave me the passion that I now have. I know you took me to college that day thinking I would come out an engineer. How tickled you must be to see that I’m a writer too.
I hope you will enjoy wherever the words take me. Just know that I am also taking you wherever I go. Mama, I love, love, love you. (As my babies would say). Now I am totally in tune with what they feel when they say it. And yes, I make them hot with sometimes. (Smile). But all the good mamas do. And I know we gave you flack for not always stepping up when you should have. You let Nana do the really hard parts. Well I’m not gon’ say it was always okay. But I can understand. There was never any love lost between us. Ever for any reason. You left this earth with us totally instep and seeing far beyond the pettiness of human emotion. Thanks for that last lesson, Mama. I promise to share it with everyone.
Until next time,