This is a story about forgiveness. Forgiving other people that hurt you is really hard but forgiving yourself is 100 million times harder. Does it make it easier to forgive someone if you don’t really know them or have a deep relationship with them? I think it does. Because you expect the people closest to you to understand, to know what’s okay and what’s not okay. And sometimes those people know and sometimes they don’t. At times they deliberately do things and they don’t care how it affects your life. Still letting go of how they hurt you is not always easy. It is true that you cannot erase your brain, so you may never forget what was done to you. But somehow you have to learn to say to the one that wronged you, “I will pardon you. I will let it go just because you deserve to be pardoned and I cannot grow with this heavy weight on my heart.” You must even say it while gazing in the mirror. And if you don’t appear as a child to your own self—if you don’t admit that you didn’t know what was right for yourself and that you are not perfect, that only God is perfect, then you will not enjoy a day of your life. And that would be a shame. I’m writing to help you release whatever is holding you down and find your way to God. Let Him heal you with a power so refreshing and amazing that you won’t believe the joy though you live it. This story is entitled April Flowers. April flowers after a harsh and dreadful winter. Beautiful, April flowers despite the snow covered ground and bone-chilling air. Spring returned and with flowers. Their colors…brilliant. What was once frosty and gray is lush and warm again. Rebirth and renewal are yours!
I talked to your children today. And I did just what you told me to do. I never realized just how hard you had it, especially as a young, single mother. But now I know your trials. I’m sorry for any time that we didn’t listen or obey. (I bet you’re smiling). You see your son called me this morning because he was thinking about you today. And so was I. Your birthday was always a sweet day for me, especially as a child. I adored you and was intrigued by everything you did and everything you loved. I just wanted to know how you came to be my mother. But anyhow, I was doing okay today and I didn’t want to call Meek and cause her to be upset, if she wasn’t. So I worked instead. Your little one said he would try to stay out of trouble today and I told him you’d like that very much. I know you would because I’ve been in your shoes for a long time now. I really miss seeing you and talking to you. Can’t believe you’re not here with us. Have I been doing a good job with your children? I try to make sure I tend to them as best I can. I know you said this was my job. One day I knew you would say it and that it would be my duty not to let you down. And even though it’s not in the capacity that I thought it’d be, I mean you aren’t physically here to check on me. I am mothering them in my heart because you would have wanted me to.
I don’t have all the spunk you possessed as a mother…as a woman. (Probably no one in the world will ever have that much spunk!) Still there are times when I chastise my little ones and I hear your voice come out of my mouth. Plain as day. Amazing! I understand some of what you felt then.
Overall, right now… I’m not sad. You suffered so much pain, that had nothing to do with breast cancer. A part of me wanted revenge on each and everyone that ever wronged you. But in the end, you would not have allowed me to do that. And I know it ain’t right. So I let it go, but still I laugh out loud at the ones you paid back before leaving. That’s probably wrong too, I know. So, I guess I just wanted to say… that I think of you often and I love when you come visit me during my dreams. I know it’s really real, but that can be our secret. God is so good. I like when you stop by with just a passing word too. BTW, what do you think of Lauren? She’s just too much like you! Anyway, I’m serious about this art of writing. Thank you so much for all the meaningful works you penned which gave me the passion that I now have. I know you took me to college that day thinking I would come out an engineer. How tickled you must be to see that I’m a writer too.
I hope you will enjoy wherever the words take me. Just know that I am also taking you wherever I go. Mama, I love, love, love you. (As my babies would say). Now I am totally in tune with what they feel when they say it. And yes, I make them hot with sometimes. (Smile). But all the good mamas do. And I know we gave you flack for not always stepping up when you should have. You let Nana do the really hard parts. Well I’m not gon’ say it was always okay. But I can understand. There was never any love lost between us. Ever for any reason. You left this earth with us totally instep and seeing far beyond the pettiness of human emotion. Thanks for that last lesson, Mama. I promise to share it with everyone.
Until next time,